sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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