I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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