I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
