I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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