okay pat passed out under dana's car
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
