Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
