She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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