I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
