What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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