I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
