When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
