look no pants
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
