Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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