she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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