We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
