I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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