3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
