Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
