I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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