I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
