Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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