Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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