My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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