i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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