Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think my moral compass just broke
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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