after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
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