just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
