Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
