i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
