My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
