I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
