And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
