They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
