Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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