the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
