you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
