we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
