Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
