Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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