If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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