Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
