There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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