Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
