Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
