I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
