I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
