She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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