One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
