Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
