Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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