The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just high enough for therapy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
