I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you win again, gameday.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
