Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
