she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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