I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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