Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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